So, at 6pm today at the airport on my way out to a work trip, I was bemoaning the fact that my very first day with TSA Precheck was botched when the TSA security line was closed. Two hours later, I ended up with a major flight hiccup, no flight to Bentonville, and an Uber home unexpectedly for an extra night home with the kiddos and a 9am flight tomorrow.
I’ve been crafting this in my head over the last month around 4am in the morning, when I can no longer sleep because my darling boy’s sleeping on my chest and I wake up gasping for air. This may have been influenced by Jennifer Garner’s Go the F*&! To Sleep reading. I am also clearly not a poet, but….
Every parent knows that potty-training is a rite of passage. Something we all must survive for our toddler to transition into the next magical phase in all of our lives…
I will not lie to you! I’ve done this 2.5 times so far. I emphasize the 1/2 time – which ultimately means that we are in the heart of the process now with my 2-year old boy – Dominic.
Beginning potty training is HELL!!!! Between poop-smeared walls, pee-soaked sheets, and happy exclamations of “good boy” or “good girl” when they actually manage to pull off that one time when the urine actually makes it in the little training toilet, you will have moments when you are ready to quit!
Seriously, how hard is it really, to change diapers until they are 30? At least that way, you can keep them out of trouble when they turn in to teenagers!
When you are cleaning up yellow liquid off the kitchen floor, and then smelling the paper towel to determine whether said spill is “biologic” or edible, to determine which cleaner to use, you will want to scream! But DON’T GIVE UP!!! You will survive!
And when you hear other parents proudly brag about how they’ve potty-trained their toddler in one day with limited effort, IGNORE them! I’m convinced they are lying…or maybe slightly fabricating the potty-training process realities…or just lucky as hell and then I hate them.
So, here are my five “pees” (pun intended) of proper potty-training a BOY in the Sheehan household.
Penis! Penis! Penis! – Yep! I said it and so will every other family member in your household. You should call it how you see it for a couple reasons:
That’s what is actually called. Like, for real!
If you call it “pee-pee,” it can lead to confusion. LOTS and lots of confusion!
When you are in the middle of an actual potty-training drama, it is quite hilarious when your adorable toddler starts singing “PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!” Remember, hell can still be funny.
Poop is poop and everyone poops – So when your toddler rips off his diaper after realizing that he doesn’t actually like sitting in smeared poop and instead leaves a trail of crap down your hallway before you can get to him, just remember:
This is only temporary!
In just a few short years, he’ll be able to wipe his own ass if you can just survive the next few months.
Pull Ups – I am not using this as a branded promotion. Simply referring to training diapers/pants in the generic sense. Find what works for you, and recognize that the style / brand may change over time. If you go the disposable route, also recognize that there are positives and negatives to those that can be pulled apart vs. pulled down. Also, recognize that your training toddler may have a VERY STRONG OPINION about whether it’s Thomas the Train, Jake the Pirate or Mater the Tow Truck on the front. We were a Thomas house in November, but apparently Jake the Neverland Pirate is currently winning December…
Purel – Not sure that I actually need to explain this. Poop-smeared walls and pee-stained sheets, remember!
Pinot … – Pick your poison here, but after a day of toddlers singing “Penis!,” cleaning poop and pee off the floor, and spending a fortune on various brands of pull up diapers and training pants, I feel like a lovely glass of Pinot (Noir or Grigio) is highly recommended to conclude your evening.
So with that, I will leave you to laugh a little, and maybe learn a little. I need to go chase my bare-assed son who apparently just peed on the bathroom door. And yes, he is singing “Penith!”